My Un-Suicide Note

Call me Edward Scissorhands

I destroy everything I touch

My heart, my mind, my spirit, my life

Carved and scarred by the never dulling knife

I try to make masterpieces of the blood spilt

Create pretty pictures

Pretend there is life here still

20 more days ‘til I attempt to find solace in a daily pill

Medicine meant to stop this incessant urge to kill

Many guns I own, but never will you find one in my home

For I’m sure this house would become a crime scene and a tomb, much too soon

I yearn to drive

Drive and drive and drive, but these hands behind the wheel, have no will to survive

At every turn, I am petrified

What if I can’t take back control in time?

Lost forever into the night

Only wreckage to be found in the daylight

Seen as a terrible accident, perfect cover, right?

My only wish, as I die, is to be staring up into starlight

This urge that every day I have to fight

This secret I must keep locked up tight, out of sight

I know it’s not right

I am no murderer

I know death is not a cure

Just the passing on of hurt and a quicker pathway into the dirt

But every battle I have won has begun to seem futile in this endless war

Everyday day losing strength more and more

I’m scared I will never see my life all the way through

Loose ends will be everywhere, tangling me, strangling me

A terrible end to a life just beginning

Even if I make it a little further, am I still just surviving?

I am bored of small victories and rewriting my already drawn out story

I wish I could go without having to care

I wish I could go without leaving a trace of despair

I wish I could go without the guilt of not giving the knowledge I have to share

I wish I could go and just be anywhere else but here

But honestly I don’t

I want you know that I don’t really want to go

I want to stay on this Earth and watch myself grow old

I want to mold and remold

I want to create a story worth being told

I want to see all the wonders this life has to show

I want to learn everything there is to know

Depression is a worthy opponent

I cannot promise that I will survive it

But, I can promise that I will keep fighting it

I promise to do everything in my power to make it home

I promise to call someone when I feel alone

I promise to be strong

This commitment signed in blood

My un-suicide note

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