Safety Net

A knock at the door because you can hear the screaming

I don’t know how to explain how I am feeling

I was numb for so long

Now my emotions are fighting for a place to belong

I think I put my pieces back together all wrong

The glue that held them together was being stoic and strong

You appeared and now all that glue is gone

I have to find the strength in my weakness

I have to find the light in my darkness

I have to find the hope in my loneliness

I never meant to be like this

This brokenness

Pretending vulnerability isn’t something I miss is ignorant

I am ever growing, ever changing

My pieces always rearranging

I don’t know quite where they should be placed

I am not who I will be tomorrow or who I was yesterday

And what if you don’t like her in the morning?

When terrors of life coming creeping and the bright green eyes of last night are now weeping

When the sharp mind that cultivated conversation can barely recognize the being it resides in

Let alone explain what this pain is

I won’t ask you to hold this

This tattered heart still fighting to beat

This rampaging mind always tripping over its own feet

I won’t ask for your hand because I am too proud to admit that somedays it is hard for me to stand

I will sneak out in the dead of night to lay under starlight

In the morning I will crawl back in and never tell you of the battle I almost didn’t survive

Or how grateful I am to still be alive

I won’t wake you from your dreams to ask you to tell me that my nightmares are not as real as they seem

Neither of us can see my demons and only I can feel them

This weight is heavy and it is mine to carry

I wish I could forget the comfort your touch gives

How my lungs willingly fill and exhale

How the thumping in my chest becomes a lullaby and my thoughts decide that, “Yes, I deserve a rest”

To surround myself in your bliss is selfish

I have to fight the urge to crawl into your bed at night

I have to tell myself over and over that I’ll be alright

This is not your war

I still think to call you on my bad days

But instead I drive out of range

I do not wish to bring into your life this chaos and rage

I have no desire to share this pain

 

My sanity is a balancing act

You, the willing safety net

Unknowing of the agony you are trying to catch

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