New Design

I have to see you again

I don’t even know where to begin

It took all my strength to bring our toxicity to an end

I’m not sure how to treat you as a friend

I’m sure that people blow off my talk as crazy

But they don’t know what you did to me

They didn’t see the fights and the yelling

The bullying and degrading

How I gave you all of me and in return you took away my ability to be me

I wish emotional scars were something others could see

Because I am covered

I called you my best friend and my lover

I wanted us to be together forever

I looked past the controlling and manipulating because you told this was what love was meant to be

I believed you

I gave into you

Every command you spoke, I would do

Every time you tore me down I was the one to apologize and try to turn it around

You made me an option and put me in your pocket to be forgotten

You treated me like garbage and I let you

I enabled you

I was too weak and vulnerable then to ever stand up to you

I hate how I see little pieces of you in every man I date

I hate even more the fact that you made toxic a familiar template

A comfortable state

I wish I could give every guy a clean slate

But I’m scared

Terrified to give someone the same power I gave you

A power so many ignorantly abuse

I became tough to be stop being used

My strength is something I had to create

My new self I had to shape

From the ashes of the city of self you set on fire and left

I choked on the smoke for so long

Drowned myself in self hatred for everything I did wrong

Your voice telling me of how worthless I’ve been all along

Then I learned to be strong

I got up and created a home where I know I belong

I stopped listening to your voice that just went on and on and on

I made myself the girl you will meet soon

I’m not the same person you knew

Since then I have spread my wings and flew

Nurtured myself and grew

The person you are about to meet is brand new

She’s strong and beautiful

She’ll know what to do

Those piercing eyes of yours will never get through

The butterflies you use to give flight to are now on my side

You only have as much control as I decide

I am no longer just along for the ride

Now, I drive

Step aside

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